Golf Humour
Some entertaining one-liners from David Feherty:
On Tiger Woods: “I just stood there watching him walk past and thinking, ‘I don’t know what that is, but I know there weren’t two of them on Noah’s Ark.’”
On his caddie, Rodney Wooler, and him being on the same page: “Not only was Rodney never on the same page as me, he was seldom in the same book and often not even in the same library.”
On quitting drinking: “I didn’t quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it’s not even a challenge anymore.”
On an errant shot: “That ball is so far left Lassie couldn’t find it even if it was wrapped in bacon.”
On a beautiful day of weather: “The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf in it.”
On golf: “One minute you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.”
On watching Tiger Woods hit a great shot: “Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.”
On Jim Furyk’s swing: “It looks like a one-armed man trying to wrestle a snake in a phone booth.”
Again, on Furyk’s swing: “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”
On dancing: “I don’t dance. The Irish don’t dance, we hold each other up.”
Random Quotes:
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you. – Phyllis Diller
Swing hard in case you hit it. – Dan Marino
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. – George Deukmejian
Golf is a game in which you yell “for,” shoot six, and write down five.
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off. – Keith Michael
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. – Tiger Woods
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. – Lee Trevino
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch. – Lee Trevino
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. – Lee Trevino
My golf swing is a bit like ironing a shirt. You get one side smoothed out, turn it over and there is a big wrinkle on the other side. Then you iron that one out, turn it over and there is yet another wrinkle. – Tom Watson
Nicknames for golf shots… courtesy of AdC…as an example, if you smash an iron into woods, that’s an “Elin Nordegren”…or if you get a big lip out, that’s a “Mick Jagger”…and, if you experience a succession of bad lies,…drum roll…you’ve just had a Donald Trump
Jokes for the course…
1. “Bad day at the course,” Richard tells his wife. “Andrew had a heart attack on the third hole.”
“That’s terrible!” she says.
“You’re telling me,” Richard replies. “All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Andrew.”
2. Ricky gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, “Ricky, hit the new Titleist Pro V.”
Ricky tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.
The voice comes back, “Never mind, hit a range ball.”
3. A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.
With a big smile, he asks the others “In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; I was wondering what you called it here in Ireland.”
After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
4. A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, “Kid, you’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world.”
The caddie replies, “Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
5. Jeff Mains was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”
Jeff backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”
A this point, Jeff is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot – approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: “We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies’ tee box!”
To which Jeff turns around and yells: “And I really need the announcer to shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot!”
6. A married couple played golf together everyday.
One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.
She fell face down on the tee, didn’t know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife’s death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said, “Yes, that was my ball”
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman’s backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?
The husband said, “Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went.”
7. Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.
One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.
The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, “I can’t go up there that’s my wife and my mistress.”
So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, “Small world, huh?”
8. A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He’s playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, “Are you going to let this slide? Do something!”
So God says, “Watch this.”
The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, “Why did you reward him?”
9. While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Andy remarked to a fellow club member’, I’m not going to play golf with Jim anymore. He cheats.’
‘Why do you say that?’ asked his friend.
‘Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green’, replied Andy indignantly.
‘That’s entirely possible’, commented his friend.
‘Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket’, retorted Andy with finality.
10. After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man’s conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn’t want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.
“Honey,” he said when he got home, “I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I’m sorry, it won’t ever happen again, and I hope you’ll forgive me.”
His wife scowled at him and said, “Don’t lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six holes, didn’t you?”
11. One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole.
He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
“Goodness,” says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.
Upon awakening, the little fellow says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and he walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want: I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life.”
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
The leprechaun says, “I’m doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”
“It’s great! I hit under par every time.”
The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?”
The golfer says, “Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note.”
The leprechaun again says, “I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?”
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”
The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, “Once or twice a week?”
“Well,” says the golfer, “That’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
Great Golf One-liners:
- It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
- Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
- These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
- If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
- If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
- The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
- I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
- After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez
New Golf Rules
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough
with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making
it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers’ shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Top 10 Golf Caddy Comments
- Golfer: Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? - Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth. - Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. - Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually. - Golfer: You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence. - Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It’s not a watch – it’s a compass. - Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf. - Golfer: Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day. - Golfer: This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.Caddy: This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
- Golfer: That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.
Caddy: It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Funny Golf Photos
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- A sign for Bruce Murdock
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- Is it April yet?
- Ok, HE can play through!